Posted March 16th, 2015 by lexa and filed in Guided Writings

It is Tuesday and I have spent the most part of this past week processing my spirit guides message that I have a block that needs to be uncovered. I have talked with friends, my loving sister, and had a psychic that I had not seen in several years show up at an event I hosted all of which gave me gobs of information to help me with my block. Spirit really does support us when we need help and are ready to receive it.

What I know about my childhood is that I had a bipolar (non-diagnosed) abusive/loving mother and an unavailable father (though he has now stepped up to the plate and is amazing). When I asked myself what the block they were talking about could possibly be, I realized that I had very few memories of my life until age 10 to 12. What I do remember up until the age of 3 is several spankings with my pants down and the belt or an appliance cord delivering the blow, from my irrational, yelling, screaming mother; several times when she rocked me lovingly; several dreams; and being made to wear my wet panties on my head if I could not make it to the bathroom in time.  From ages 3 to 5 I only have a few memories, some good, some not good. Then up to age 10, I have vague memories of parts of events but no real solid connection to them. From age 12 and up, I have a pretty good memory of my past. It makes me wonder how much other people remember their childhood.

As I thought about my childhood, I realized that these lapses in memory meant I was out of my body frequently. Previously, I did not realize I was out of my body that much. I now know from experience that if it is too painful to be in the body, we check out and spend our time in another place, somewhat like daydreaming. In trying to find the big block, I figured the trauma must have happened somewhere pretty early and I was not sure how to go about uncovering it. In talking to my sister, my friends, and the wonderful psychic I also call my friend, I came to realize that it was not the incident or incidents that was the block–it was what I gained from those experiences that was the block. I realized I was stuck in a place of not forgiving. I had tried to forgive but could not make peace with my childhood. I was stuck being a victim.

What I now realize is this: before I took a human body, I choose the parents I had in order to learn specific lessons. I knew that my mother came from a long line of abuse and would be abusive. I knew that my dad came from a long line of emotional blockage and would be unavailable. So why, I asked myself, did I pick such a hard childhood? Because the bigger the lessons, the bigger, deeper experiences you need to really own them. This realization in itself gave me some peace.

Here is the other thing I learned about myself. I could have chosen to continue on the same path as my parents, been abusive or unavailable, or even an addict, but, I choose to step up and do my best to be a loving, caring and present parent. I choose to do my best to honor all my friends and loved ones with the same present, caring love. I know that our past can’t help but define us. We either choose to help us be a better person or a victim. I am now choosing to let go of being a victim. I now know that I got exactly what I needed to be who I am and to help others be who they are.

So the real block is not what I covered up, but the knowledge of how those experiences helped me, whether I consciously remember them or not. At this point, I feel like if I saw my mother I could actually give her a hug because I wanted to, not because I thought I had to.

There is a song by country singer Tim McGraw that has a line in it that says, “Someday, I’m gonna love me.” When I heard that several years ago, it made me cry and I wondered if the day would ever come that I would love me. I heard that song yesterday and I realized I have come along way with this new awareness. I finally do love me and it feels awesome!