Lexa Finley

1:37 p.m.

I am working around the house doing repairs with my husband. It seems like everything I try to do, goes wrong. I replaced some sprinkler heads in the backyard that are the same brand we always use, yet they are not working right. I am soaking wet and angry. I wondered why we get angry and my guides said, go type; we will give you some info about anger.  This is the first time I have stopped what I am doing to go do as they suggest without arguing (I am a little proud of myself) I am going to take a moment to close my eyes, ground, release, give myself some golden sun  and run my earth and cosmic energy so that I can get out of my anger and listen to them… ( I sat quietly for about 5 minutes before the information started coming through.

Spirit Guides: Anger is a defense mechanism. It was created to set off alarms that warn you when things are going wrong. The warning is so that you can step back away from the situation and reexamine it. See why or what is making you angry, then change it. What we end up seeing when people are mad, is that instead of using the warning to change the situation, they own the anger or move into it. They let the feeling of anger take them over so to speak. Anger can make you feel very alive and some people get addicted to that feeling. If they are feeling lonely or hopeless with their life, when anger pops up, it makes them feel something, which they find to be better than not feeling at all. When you move into the emotion of anger, you move into a place of being a victim, a place where your needs are not getting met. It is easy to start feeling like bad things always happen to you and will continue to happen to you and you can stay stuck there. The best thing to do when you are angry is to realize and admit to yourself that you are angry. Sit down, put on your grounding cord, if it is not already there and let the anger start releasing. As you let the anger release, you open yourself up to see ways to handle the situation that will correct it. Always, always refill with golden sun after you release. It gives you brand new clear clean energy to operate on.

I realize that the sprinklers not working properly and spraying me is not really a big deal. I actually look pretty funny dripping wet and can go back to the store and get sprinklers that work the way I want them too. My big issue seems to be that I took the time to do this and now I have to do it again. The message I got while I was running my energy was that I have plenty of time and it is my job to make whatever I am doing fun! 1:55

Me: it is hard for me to see from a human perspective that I have all the time I need, but I am working on it.

It is Tuesday and I have spent the most part of this past week processing my spirit guides message that I have a block that needs to be uncovered. I have talked with friends, my loving sister, and had a psychic that I had not seen in several years show up at an event I hosted all of which gave me gobs of information to help me with my block. Spirit really does support us when we need help and are ready to receive it.

What I know about my childhood is that I had a bipolar (non-diagnosed) abusive/loving mother and an unavailable father (though he has now stepped up to the plate and is amazing). When I asked myself what the block they were talking about could possibly be, I realized that I had very few memories of my life until age 10 to 12. What I do remember up until the age of 3 is several spankings with my pants down and the belt or an appliance cord delivering the blow, from my irrational, yelling, screaming mother; several times when she rocked me lovingly; several dreams; and being made to wear my wet panties on my head if I could not make it to the bathroom in time.  From ages 3 to 5 I only have a few memories, some good, some not good. Then up to age 10, I have vague memories of parts of events but no real solid connection to them. From age 12 and up, I have a pretty good memory of my past. It makes me wonder how much other people remember their childhood.

As I thought about my childhood, I realized that these lapses in memory meant I was out of my body frequently. Previously, I did not realize I was out of my body that much. I now know from experience that if it is too painful to be in the body, we check out and spend our time in another place, somewhat like daydreaming. In trying to find the big block, I figured the trauma must have happened somewhere pretty early and I was not sure how to go about uncovering it. In talking to my sister, my friends, and the wonderful psychic I also call my friend, I came to realize that it was not the incident or incidents that was the block–it was what I gained from those experiences that was the block. I realized I was stuck in a place of not forgiving. I had tried to forgive but could not make peace with my childhood. I was stuck being a victim.

What I now realize is this: before I took a human body, I choose the parents I had in order to learn specific lessons. I knew that my mother came from a long line of abuse and would be abusive. I knew that my dad came from a long line of emotional blockage and would be unavailable. So why, I asked myself, did I pick such a hard childhood? Because the bigger the lessons, the bigger, deeper experiences you need to really own them. This realization in itself gave me some peace.

Here is the other thing I learned about myself. I could have chosen to continue on the same path as my parents, been abusive or unavailable, or even an addict, but, I choose to step up and do my best to be a loving, caring and present parent. I choose to do my best to honor all my friends and loved ones with the same present, caring love. I know that our past can’t help but define us. We either choose to help us be a better person or a victim. I am now choosing to let go of being a victim. I now know that I got exactly what I needed to be who I am and to help others be who they are.

So the real block is not what I covered up, but the knowledge of how those experiences helped me, whether I consciously remember them or not. At this point, I feel like if I saw my mother I could actually give her a hug because I wanted to, not because I thought I had to.

There is a song by country singer Tim McGraw that has a line in it that says, “Someday, I’m gonna love me.” When I heard that several years ago, it made me cry and I wondered if the day would ever come that I would love me. I heard that song yesterday and I realized I have come along way with this new awareness. I finally do love me and it feels awesome!